so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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