im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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