You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I want her autograph on my taint
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
