my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
