Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
