my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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