Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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