I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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