No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
