Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
