i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
