a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
