I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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