I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
