I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
