I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she told me i tasted like america
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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