I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
