How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
