My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
