i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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