just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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