You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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