Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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