just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
