I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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