I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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