I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
