Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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