I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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