I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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