No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
