I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I will be naked everywhere
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
