There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
