brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
