My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I didn't notice because vodka
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
