Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
