I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
