Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Did we literally take a cab across the street
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
