i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
