Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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