Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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