I want to have your abortion
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
