My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
