Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
