We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
