It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
