Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
