Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
