I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
