Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
