You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
